Ideas

Tonight

i put myself to bed


molecular desperation:
i’m done/i’m not buying more/i don’t want to want more/i want to be done/i beg to be done
i’m going to lie down
tomorrow i’ll be done/please
tomorrow i’ll be ok
…is not why

delusions of health:
i’m in so much pain/for so long/how is this possible/why me/do I deserve this/must be in my head/please be in my head 
i’m going to lie down/and be as still as i can be
tomorrow i wont be in pain/please
tomorrow i’ll be ok
…is not why

flesh weaker than spirit:
waking up to reality is unbearable
i’ll not lie down
i’ll not embrace tomorrow/a day harder than today
i’ll not lie down
yet i’ll wake up/tomorrow,now today/lacking memory of the moment I could no longer endure/at this place i now am/awake
this is not ok/please
…is not (retroactively) why


I join my dogs in bed
the cold blue light bothers Me
I cycle it warmer/warner/warmer
that is good enough 
I lie down
I am ok
…is why


-- John Major 2024.12.31
            

_now

“I love my shape. 
My shape is a nice shape. 
It’s my shape.
I don’t need to hurt my shape any more.
I hope not”


to _now

“I hated my shape. Culture hated the shape it shamed me for not being. My shape blazed in agony. Twisted. Screaming, no- Screamed for an end. Screamed and screamed. please. just end.” 

“Culture hurt me. Fake shape. Starved shape. Hidden shape. Vile shape. Hated shape. “

“Culture hurt me in the 80’s because it was ignorant and afraid.” 

“Culture hurt me in the 80’s and it’s not my fault.” 

“Culture hurt me in the 80’s and I could not bear this understanding till now.” 

“Culture hurt me in the 80’s and I could not understand this till now.” 

“Culture hurt me in the 80’s and I did not understand this till now.” 

“Culture made no excuses for its hatred. Which is a good policy.”

“Culture forced me to believe something I did not want to believe.”

“Culture 
raped my sense-of-self. 
God hates 
sick fags
would  
should die.
Alone in desperate pain.
Deserves nothing
embrace
love
life
help
love
life.
I said nothing and no one knew. 
Yet it happened for all to see. 
On tv and Off.
No one helped even me.“

“I’m kinda stuck in the 80’s ( and obsessed ).”  — JEM

“I’m obsessed with the 80’s (and kinda stuck ).”  — JEM


far off _now

“it’s like something in you broke in the 80’s and is stuck there.”  — SD, (a roared observation over decades) 


finally _now 

My shape is just fine.


-- John Major 2025.01.13